"It's like you go to a Van Halen concert and you're the oldest one there, and there's a mix-up in the tickets, and you have to stand for the whole thing and it's hot and the kid next to you loses his lunch on your shoe. . . . I know. You thought it was going to be witty and Noel Cowardish."

“Rita! Get my smelling salts! Ma, you used them up when you discovered that repeal of the estate tax benefits only the very, very rich.”

“...Men lose their sense of humor as they get older...their brains shrink...So men will be getting grumpier, just as we're getting... Shorter.”

“If women want time off to bear children, they can't expect to be treated as equals. Okay, give men time off to bear children.”

“The investment firm of Smith Barney: they make money the old-fashioned way--they earn it. Right. The rest of us pick it off trees in the backyard.”

“Most normal people would agree that pizza is nature's perfect food, right?”

“For feminine protection, every day use a hand grenade.”