"On summer evenings, before bathtime, my dad used to pick me up by the ankles and swing me round and round! Then one arm and one leg! Like an aeroplane - Wheeeee! We trashed that bathroom."

“Stories are the architects of the human mind.”

“In the distinctly human sense of our existence, people are made of language.”

“A writer who denies the need for structure in his work is like a squash player who claims his brilliance removes the need for a wall.”

“The criminal clearly wasn't expecting to find me there. He looked back at me with an expression of sheer balaclava written all over his face.”

“Failure in any given subject is the first qualification towards becoming a teacher.”

“There is a reason why you only see those adventurous types marching off into crocodile infested waters and uncharted jungles up the Congo. Marching into somewhere like Newcastle city centre on a Saturday night is too damn wild, that’s why. I became overwhelmed with a desire to go to Sunderland. And it’s not very often you hear someone say that.”