"A pun is a pistol let off at the ear; not a feather to tickle the intellect."

“A good-natured woman...which is as much as you can expect from a friend's wife, whom you got acquainted with a bachelor.”

“This very night I am going to leave off Tobacco! Surely there must be some other world in which this unconquerable purpose shall be realized.”

“I conceive disgust at those impertinent and misbecoming familiarities, inscribed upon your ordinary tombstones. Every dead man must take upon himself to be lecturing me with his odious truism, that "such as he now is, I must shortly be." Not so shortly, friend, perhaps, as thou imaginest. In the meantime I am alive. I move about. I am worth twenty of thee. Know thy betters!”

“Any thing awful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once at a funeral.”

“Credulity is the man's weakness, but the child's strength.”

“Sunday itself—that unfortunate failure of a holyday as it too often proved, what with my sense of its fugitiveness, and over-care to get the greatest quantity of pleasure out of it ...”