George Burns

"I've had worried parents come up to me and ask me for advice. They'll say "I don't know what to do. My teenage son won't cut his hair, he drives too fast, and I don't know what that stuff is he listen…"

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."

"At my age, all my friends, doctors, and attorneys are dead. The good thing about this is that there's no one left who can refute my stories."

"If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it."

"Happiness is having a loving, close knit family in another city."

"When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile."