Art Buchwald

"Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new...program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was."

"Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got."

"I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies."

"Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." President Reagan says, "I have just taken a urinalysis t…"

"People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him."

"People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even." … For me, being funny is the best revenge."

"The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water."

"A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it."