"I've conducted my campaign thus far in the true American political tradition: I lied about my intention to run I have been consistently vague on all the issues Therefore I promise you all, my fellow Americans, that I will continue to make promises that I will be unable to fulfill."

“Many political experts have told me that nobody will vote for me because America is not ready for such decisive and dynamic leadership. They tell me these things, and I say nay to the negative nincompoops who never nourished the nihilistic nerve to name a novice to nail down the nomination.”

“As a keen political observer, I've noticed that most people do not really vote for someone for the Presidency as much as they vote against the other candidate. And I think President Johnston's decision was unfair to these people.”

“… let's all remember that we have a government "of the people, for the people, and by the people", and there are very few people in our government that you can't buy.”

“After all, the leaders of our country were not elected to be tittered at. Censors have to draw the line somewhere. For instance, we are allowed to say Ronald Reagan is a lousy actor, but we're not allowed to say he's a lousy governor – which is ridiculous. We know he's a good actor. And you can't say anything bad about President Johnston , because you shouldn't insult the President. But if you compliment him, who will believe it?”

“I ask you, will I solve our civil rights problems? Will I unite this country and bring it forward? Will I obliterate the national debt? Sure, why not? Thank you.”

“I do not claim that I can solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat.”