"If money can't buy happiness, I guess I'll have to rent it."

“My brothers and sisters all hated me 'cause I was an only child.”

“Alanis Morissette and I actually used to date. I especially liked it when we went to the movies.”

“What kind of bananas do you have working at newspapers in Austin that would base an entire review of an artist's performance on whether or not they had a good seat?”

“That's something the kids should know about. Reading is a gateway to witchcraft and lesbianism.”

“I'll never forget the first thing she said to me, she said: "Hey - you've got weasels on your face." Right then I knew it was true love.”

“I think my chances of getting into the Rock 'N' Roll Hall Of Fame are about as good as Milli Vanilli's.”