"You can’t stop people being assholes. They do love it so. The best you can hope for is that some people, sometimes, will turn out to be somewhat less than the absolute worst. When they manage to trip and fall over that incredibly low bar, they’ll make you want to end it all. But when they leap over it, they’ll make you believe this whole mess really was created for a reason—the bastards. Except me, of course. I’m superb. Ask anyone. And you’re all right, I suppose. Welcome to being a people, kid. It’s just dreadful up here."

“We have always believed that one of the hallmarks of sentience is the ability to look down upon others. It separates us from the lichen.”

“But in the end, all wars are more or less the same. If you dig down through the layers of caramel corn and peanuts and choking, burning death, you’ll find the prize at the bottom and the prize is a question and the question is this: Which of us are people and which of us are meat?”

““And how does that make you feel?” he crooned in the comforting tone of a therapist who may or may not actually care.”

“Life is beautiful and life is stupid. This is, in fact, widely regarded as a universal rule not less inviolable than the Second Law of Thermodynamics, the Uncertainty Principle, and No Post on Sundays.”

“Though any species on any dumb gobworld may develop sentience , no government ever does.”

“A cow goes moo; a sheep goes baa; a celebrity correspondent goes who are you wearing?”