"Th' only way t' entertain some folks is t' listen t' 'em."

“Never tell the box-office man that you can't hear well or he will sell you a seat where you can't see either.”

“Don't knock th' weather. Nine-tenths o' th' people couldn' start a conversation if it didn' change once in a while.”

“When a fellow says, "It hain't the money, but th' principle o' the thing," it's th' money.”

“Now an' then an innocent man is sent t' th' legislature.”

“Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count.”

“It's purty hard t' be efficient without bein' obnoxious.”