"If my mum was alive she could captain England to play West Indies... hopeless, aren't they?"

“We were brought up watching opening batsmen score nine before lunch. If Geoffrey Boycott flashed at a ball outside off stump in the first over of a Test match, questions were asked in Parliament. If he flashed at two, the ravens abandoned the Tower of London.”

“This idea that umpires are always right is a load of old cobblers. What I want to know is: Who umpires the umpires? The players suffer from their mistakes, but no one ever seems to get rid of the umpires themselves. Being an umpire is a people job: that's why Dickie Bird was good at it. Yes, he was a loony, and he made mistakes - everyone does. But he knew how to deal with people, so they respected him.”

“He can be so rude to people that sometimes you just want to punch his lights out.”

“He's a lovely guy, that Ricky Ponting. He likes the English so much he changed the series for them with the most stupid decision he'll ever make in his life.”

“They should cut Joel Garner off at the knees to make him bowl at a normal height.”

“To have some idea what it's like, stand in the outside lane of a motorway, get your mate to drive his car at you at 95 mph and wait until he's 12 yards away, before you decide which way to jump.”