"I have no need of your God-damned sympathy. I only wish to be entertained by some of your grosser reminiscences."

“The two oldest professions in the world — ruined by amateurs.”

“All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.”

“a dishonest Abe Lincoln.”

“I've never had the impertinence to be sorry for Helen Keller. I'd as soon be sorry for Niagara Falls. But now as I bring the story up to date, I'm shriveled with shame when I recall that at times in my life — my easy life — I've actually been sorry for myself. You too? We've got our nerve, haven't we?”

“At 83 Shaw's mind was perhaps not quite as good as it used to be, but it was still better than anyone else's.”