"You're welcome to take a bath. You look like the second week of the garbage strike."

“People with honorary awards are looked upon with disfavor. Would you let an honorary mechanic fix your brand-new Mercedes?”

“If you can go through life without ever experiencing pain you probably haven't been born yet. And if you've gone through pain and think you know exactly why, you haven't examined all the options.”

“A writer without confidence is like a metaphor without something to compare itself to.”

“Neil Simon strikes me less as the new Moliere than as a rattier Rattigan.”

“There are two million interesting people in New York and only seventy-eight in Los Angeles.”

“Money brings some happiness. But after a certain point, it just brings more money.”