Nigel Blackwell

"I could put a tennis racket up against my face and pretend that I am Kendo Nagasaki."

"Mention The Lord of the Rings just once more, and I'll more than likely kill you."

"There's people who can't spell 'weird' right driving round with thousands in the bank; but I get by, got a lot on my mind; I get by, got allotments on my mind."

"When I'm dying for a cigarette, I think of all the free ones that I'd get, if I killed myself and came back as a beagle, WOOF!"

"There was one in the gang who had Scalextric, and because of that he thought he was better than you."

"The three men I admire most -- the father, son, and Mickie Most -- took the last train for the coast, and rendezvoused with Peter Glaze, to kill Don Maclean."

"Help me Mrs Medlicott, I don't know what to do, I've only got three bullets and there's four of Mötley Crüe."

"There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets."