"I could put a tennis racket up against my face and pretend that I am Kendo Nagasaki."

“Help me Mrs Medlicott, I don't know what to do, I've only got three bullets and there's four of Mötley Crüe.”

“The three men I admire most -- the father, son, and Mickie Most -- took the last train for the coast, and rendezvoused with Peter Glaze, to kill Don Maclean.”

“There was one in the gang who had Scalextric, and because of that he thought he was better than you.”

“No frills, handy for the hills, that's the way you spell New Mills.”

“Brian Moore's head looks uncannily like London Planetarium.”

“When I'm dying for a cigarette, I think of all the free ones that I'd get, if I killed myself and came back as a beagle, WOOF!”