Kathy Griffin

"And I am playing my machine, and playing it, and playing it, and then finally I walk away, and then who shows up? Oh, you know who I'm talkin' about. That's right. That's right. As I'm walking away fr…"

"First of all, he's sitting there with the pimp hat, and the tattooed drag queen eyebrows. Like maybe this whole time, he just has a separate drag character that he does at night.........named La Toya!"

"I don't know about you, but I fucked a midget. I have secrets."

"I am not gonna engage in a debate that Michael Jackson could be the biological father of any of those kids. I'm not havin it, not tonight. There's no way. Those kids are Whitey, Whitey McGee and White…"

"I said "boy, I'd love to get a tour of this house cause it's so beautiful". So she hooks my arm, and she walks by. And then the grooms mother, trying to help me out says "Can I help you ladies with an…"

"She reaches under and grabs my peech and like, squeezes it and walks away. I run over to Brooke and go "Your mother just molested me. I could sue you and own this house"!"

"Do you know why I'm thin? Because I'm hungry ALL the time!"

"Next thing I know, there a baby in my ter-litt!"