John Hodgman

"What better emblem for our nation, after all, than a level playing field, shaped like an octagon, where people of diverse cultural ass-kicking traditions can meet as equals and immediately start kicki…"

"The geographic center of North America is historically located in Osborne County, Kansas. It is said that all armies will bow to the one who controls it."

"Weathermen are the ponchoed buffoons who spend hurricanes outside, buffeted by winds, lashed by rains, struggling to stand erect. A mime's "walking against the wind" routine come horribly to life. Whe…"

"This pie chart represents the $70 billion in tax cuts, and the majority of that will go to people making over $200,000 a year. Or, as the government refers to them, "citizens."

"The decision to drop the atomic bomb - that wasn't Truman, but sweepstakes winner Penny Holkum of Palm Beach. And for that she received a case of Lucky Strikes and a lifetime supply of sadness."

"You can't fight a war on terror if you're ending a sentence with a preposition."

"Americans don't need a metaphor for war. We have war."

"If you make the smokestacks out of children, who will you force to clean them?"