"Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk."

“Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion.”

“Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others.”

“Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.”

“Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.”

“Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.”

“An army's bravest men are its cowards. The death which they would not meet at the hands of the enemy they will meet at the hands of their officers, with never a flinching.”