"I was thinking about the fact that we're coming up on the 18th anniversary of September 11th, right? So, that means we're now gonna have adults that were not born when the attacks happened. And that's crazy to me. And that just means there's people who have grown entirely in the post-9/11 world. That sucks, you didn't even get to see how much better things were before Osama bin Laden came and kicked us in the shin and then we fucking slit our own throats afterwards."

“Rape isn't fatal. So imagine my indignation when I saw a chatroom called "Rape Survivors." Is this supposed to impress me? Someone fucked you when you didn't want to be fucked and you're amazed that you survived? Unless he used a chainsaw instead of his dick, what's the big deal? I don't mean to be horrendously offensive and insensitive here, but everyone survives rape. Some women are killed afterwards, but that's murder, not rape. To say that you're a rape survivor is as meaningless as saying you're a jury duty survivor or a divorce survivor. Lots of things in life suck—that doesn't mean we survived them. The word survivor applies to people who are alive after being stabbed 73 times with an ice pick or mauled by rabid wolverines, not to a woman who gets dick when she doesn't want it. Just because you got raped, you have to rape the English language? You vindictive bitch! Also, don't you ever get tired of being the victim? How many failed relationships are you going to blame on a single violation of your personal space?”

“A poll has shown that 63% of Americans, in their contemptible complacency, refuse to accept the theory of Evolution to this day. 150 years after this theory was put forward by Charles Darwin, Americans still have trouble accepting it in this puritanical, damn-near theocracy that we call home.”

“After Sarah Palin, you guys are running Mitt Romney. And I've got to say, I saw the appeal of George W. Bush, I saw the appeal of Sarah Palin – I do not see the fucking appeal of Mitt Romney! I mean, you guys can't say that he's some kind of down-home folksy motherfucker, 'cause he's not; he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and a golden fork up his ass! You can't say that you like him because he's a true conservative, because he's not; when he was governor of Massachusetts, he governed as a liberal. In most states, he would've been considered a Democrat based on the way he governed. He was a Massachusetts Republican. The thing about Mitt Romney is, he's not a conservative, he's not a liberal, he's just a businessman.”

“Justin Bieber is just the latest giant leap forward in the pussification of the American male. If he went to my school looking like this, we wouldn't have called him JB, we would've called him PB – for Punching Bag!”