"My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her "You're eleven, make your own!"

“You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.”

“Jeremy Hardy interview with eyebrow magazine”

“Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.”

“Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.”

“The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.”

“All socialists have bad backs because we slouch — except when we’re watching the news when we sit on the edge of our seats, shout, and wave our arms. Generally we sit hunched, arms crossed in a judgemental way, the whole of our bodies pulled into a frown.”