"Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs."

“You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.”

“Jeremy Hardy interview with eyebrow magazine”

“Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.”

“My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her "You're eleven, make your own!”

“The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.”

“All socialists have bad backs because we slouch — except when we’re watching the news when we sit on the edge of our seats, shout, and wave our arms. Generally we sit hunched, arms crossed in a judgemental way, the whole of our bodies pulled into a frown.”