Woody Allen on Time

"I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide again - this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman."

"Ingels: I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot."

"On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

"Psychoanalysis is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano."

"Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words."

"There have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution."

"He had been mistaken several times for Robert Redford, but on each occasion it was by a blind person."

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers."

"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."

"...years of insanity have made this guy crazy!"

"When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back."

"I'm so excited — I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth."

"Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it."

"I had dated a woman briefly in the Eisenhower administration, and it was ironic to me, because I was trying to do to her what Eisenhower had been doing to the country for the last 8 years."

"At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time."

"Is anything in nature actually "perfect" withthe exception of my Uncle Hyman's stupidity? Who am I to demand perfection? I, with my myriad faults. I made a list of my faults, but could not get past: 1) Sometimes forgets his hat."

"I have no apprehension whatsoever. I've been through this so many times. And I found that one way or the other, your life doesn't change at all. Which is sad, in a way. Because the people love your film... nothing great happens. And people hate your film... nothing terrible happens. Many years ago, I would... I would... a film of mine would open, and it would get great reviews, and I would go down and look at the movie theater. There'd be a line around the block. And when a film is reviled, you open a film and people say "Oh, it's the stupidest thing, it's the worst movie." You think: oh, nobody's going to ever speak to you again. But, it doesn't happen. Nobody cares. You know, they read it and they say "Oh, they hated your film." You care, at the time. But they don't. Nobody else cares. They're not interested. They've got their own lives, and their own problems, and their own shadows on their lungs, and their x-rays. And, you know, they've got their own stuff they're dealing with.... So, I'm just never nervous about it."