Ron White

"They processed me through county jail. Now, for whatever reason, I had a bunch of cash on me. I'd been on the road for a while. And now they gotta count it in front of me, and this guy comes over and …"

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

"I got happily married to a rich woman. If you ever have a choice, go ahead. Actually, she's not rich at all. Her parents are loooooaaaddddeeeed. And they hate my guuuuuuuuuuutttttsss. And I am waitng …"

"I never had much of a vocabulary. In fact, my friend Bob Schneider would still be alive today if I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote". He got bitten by a copperhead, and I'm tell…"

"I like to keep the inside of the house between 70 and 75 degrees. My ex-wife liked to keep the inside of the house between 75 and a hundred and fuckin' ten. And you can't keep Tater Salad at that temp…"

"My wife's cooking's gotten a lot better since she learned the smoke alarm wasn't a timer. I had to tell her, "Honey, the food's done before that particular buzzer goes off!"

"He hooks me up to the gas and I don't feel anything. I'm like "Dude, you need to turn this gas up. He goes, "There are regulations in the State of Nevada stating which, Code One, Section Four..." I'm …"

"Yesterday, I was sitting on a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos and..., I was flippin' through the television and I saw Robert Tilton. He's a televangelist from Dallas, and uh, he was staring at me.…"