Daniel Tosh

"Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant."

"Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. Se…"

"I once had on a Lance Armstrong bracelet and a What Would Jesus Do bracelet and I rubbed a blind kid's eyes and he could see. But he wasn't used to the light, it was bright, walked into traffic, was k…"

"Have you ever taken a post-shower shit? Augh! Might as well go back to bed, start your whole day over."

"You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!"

"Have you heard about the kid who lost his head at Six Flags? The first time I read it, I thought, "Oh my God...How can I make this funny for everybody?"...Here goes. What happened was, he was in a chu…"

"Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep."

"You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B.S. I've watched the Deadliest Catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in…"