"Have you ever taken a post-shower shit? Augh! Might as well go back to bed, start your whole day over."

Daniel Tosh Entertainment See all quotes by Daniel Tosh →

React to this quote

More by Daniel Tosh

“Why are you stealing a VCR, they don't even make cassette tapes anymore! I'd steal a TiVo...but I don't, because I'm rich, and I've had one for 3 years. I would say 4 years, but that won't make the joke any funnier. You tell people, "I've had a TiVo for 4 years," and they're all like, "Who's the dick?”

“Oh, San Francisco! My 3rd favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-fucking per square foot than any other place in the world, that's you guys. Put that on your postcards. "San Fransisco: More butt-fucking per square foot. Miss you.”

“I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.”

“The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?”

“I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.”

“You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B.S. I've watched the Deadliest Catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40 degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fucking fishin'.”

Resonant Thoughts

"Any kind of creative activity is likely to be stressful. The more anxiety, the more you feel that you are headed in the right direction. Easiness, relaxation, comfort — these are not conditions that u…"

— Joyce Carol Oates

Literature1938

#art

"Alchemy and magic are about how mundane, benign, and abundant materials can have an effect that is greater than the sum of their parts. To me, creativity is alchemy."

— Esperanza Spalding

Music1984

#art

"The late Mr. Froude, with a poet's instinct for unity, chose to regard the whole story of the English Voyages as an aspect of the Protestant Reformation."

— Walter Raleigh (professor)

Politics1552–1618

#humor

"Walked way out in the plains in the moonlight – there is no wind – so still – And so light – I wish you could see it – with miss Hibbits – she was born in Ireland –.. .The plains start right across th…"

— Georgia O'Keeffe

Art1887–1986

#life