"I once had on a Lance Armstrong bracelet and a What Would Jesus Do bracelet and I rubbed a blind kid's eyes and he could see. But he wasn't used to the light, it was bright, walked into traffic, was killed instantly. Okay, those of you that are laughing, I'm going to call you half-full, because you're remembering the most important part: The bracelets are working!"

“Why are you stealing a VCR, they don't even make cassette tapes anymore! I'd steal a TiVo...but I don't, because I'm rich, and I've had one for 3 years. I would say 4 years, but that won't make the joke any funnier. You tell people, "I've had a TiVo for 4 years," and they're all like, "Who's the dick?”

“Oh, San Francisco! My 3rd favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-fucking per square foot than any other place in the world, that's you guys. Put that on your postcards. "San Fransisco: More butt-fucking per square foot. Miss you.”

“I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.”

“The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?”

“I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.”

“You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B.S. I've watched the Deadliest Catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40 degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fucking fishin'.”