Ron White

"I believe when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade...and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

"Last year in Florida, at Sea World Florida, an animal trainer was killed by a killer whale...HUH. Turns out, there's a reason why they didn't name them "ocean ponies." Some things are exactly as they …"

"I was flying from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We flew on a plane that big. Like a pack of gum with eight people in it. . What happened was we took of…"

"You ever smoke so much pot your wife starts to make sense? Me neither."

"One time, my wife said to me, "Honey, the dryer is broken." Did you check the lint trap? Sit down, honey, I'll check it. "Was there anything in there?" There's a quilt in there. Look! You made a sofa …"

"Pulitzer Prize-winning author Norman Mailer died last year at the age of 84 years old. For the last 60 years of this man's life, he drank to excess every day. Uh, he was married six times. He smoked p…"

"The Ayatollah of Iran died today and they're desperately trying to find the next Ayatollah. I suggested they pick that guy they just kicked out of the Oak Ridge Boys. Ayatollah Oom Papa Mow Mow!"

"I told him, "We're all gay. It's just to what extent are you gay." He says, "That's bullshit, man, I ain't gay at all!" I'm like, "Yeah, you are and I'll prove it." He goes, "Fine, prove it." I'm like…"