Stand Up Comedian

Quotes & Thinkers in Stand Up Comedian

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🇺🇸Lewis Black

Entertainment

b. 1948

"Christians... get Christmas under control. Seriously. It won't stop! It doesn't stop, does it? It's always Christmas now! Make it the whole year! It's the only time you pricks are happy!"

"The actual quote attributed to Russell is, "Everything is vague to a degree you do not realise till you have tried to make it precise."

"There are two thoughts that will ensure success in all you do; Don't tell everything you know, and until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass."

"When I've gotten criticism, it's that it's too long, too soft, didn't hit the government hard enough. Then when I do hit the government, they go, "What's he doing hitting the government?"

"We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A clock."

6 quotes

🇺🇸Larry the Cable Guy

Entertainment

b. 1963

"You ever go eat breakfast at Denny's, and then go to the toilet and sit in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool? You ever do that? Now I know why they call it the Grand Slam."

"There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

"People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly."

"We drink to enjoy. The Scottish drink to die."

"When I was a little boy and played Liebestraum, my father used to hit me on the head with a newspaper every time I slopped the cadenza . . . I hate Liebestraum."

"I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little."

"A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit..... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!"

"I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off."

"Like all reasonable people, I hate all Muslims. Except for the ones I've met, who seem fine."

"I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed."

"I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility."

"To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw."

"What was uncalled for? It is uncalled for you to interrupt my ass you cheap motherfucker!"

"I was more qualified than most of the guys I was working with, which they hated. I’d come into work and there’d be a banana skin stuck to my overalls or a picture of a monkey on my coat."

"You know, you can imagine in China it's like: "Ching chong, ching chong chong, Danny DeVito, ching chong chong chong, drunk, 'The View,' ching chong."

"He's always been the person who's made me laugh most. He uses humour in a very disarming way. I've seen how people enjoy his company and have always envied that, and have wanted to aspire to that."

"In the digital age our idea of political activism is forwarding an e-mail. You copy four people and think, "I've fuckin' done my part for today."

"I don't know if I would have been a stand-up comedian in Iran because, as you know, the government advocates free speech... but there's no freedom after you've spoken... It gets a bit deathy."

"Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr."

147 quotes

🇺🇸George Lopez (comedian)

"A genius is just a mentally ill person with an audience."

"Full House gave me Tourette's. We would be on the set, and, action! "Okay, Michelle, you can't have a horse in the house--" and, cut! "Cock shit fuck!"

"I think it would a good idea now if all the ugly ones came and sat down near the front! You have! Good!"

"I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

"You have options. You can either continue to be miserable or you can just stop being angry at everyone and accept the way things are. Allow yourself to live."

"The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it."

"I am the only Iranian comedian in the world... and that's three more than Germany!"

"When I was about 8 or 9, I was a massive Michael Jackson fan and I wish I had known at the time that I was his type."

"Don't be afraid to lose him, because if a man truly loves you, he's not going anywhere"

"I have a thing for soda, I love it. I know they gave me water, but- Ooh-hoo, a soda! I didn't even see it there. Excuse me, uno momento. ..."Pepsi."

"It seems to me that if God had intended for you to cover your face then, in His wisdom, He would have provided you with a flap of skin for the purpose."

"Oh my God! I was always wondering what it would be like to run over a dried up, stinky, dick licker."

"Hey, that last skit was written for a reason. If any of your buddies had fooled around with a sixty year old man, don't throw them out of your car, or you will die. Now, enjoy the rest of the album!"

2 quotes

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