George Carlin

"Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and wat…"

"It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths! In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! It's true! It's true. It's true! Well, they don't want you to g…"

"I could never understand ethnic or national pride. Because to me, pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish…"

"See, the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. Fertilization: When the sperm fertilizes the egg, which is usually a few moments after the man says, "Gee, honey, I was gonn…"

"An art thief is a man who takes pictures."

"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work."

"Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come tr…"

"They don't want people who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table and think about how badly they're getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fuckin' years ago. They don't want t…"