David Cross

"I think its funny how, that if I want to die with peace and dignity that there's someone far away that can prevent it. Someone's like 'Hi, I just wanted to call. This is Jeanette Dunwoody from Valdost…"

"You know who doesn't like that bit? Cops. They don't like it. They don't like it. And I think its important -- I'm being sincere. I think its important that we acknowledge, all of us, that there are p…"

"I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men…I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don’t believe it? You believe that I didn’t do a series of tests?…"

"HENDERSON VALLEY EGGS! You're gonna love our eggs!!!... I like eggs the old fashioned way. "Fuck you granny!"

"I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts..."

"We should just make it a little bit more difficult for people with known violent tendencies to be able to get a gun. And I'm not talking about the cops. No. Not talking about the cops. I'm saying, let…"

"Here's a little what it was like for me growing up in Atlanta... They had this ill-fated thing called 'Light Up Atlanta'. So, I'm standing in line... I tap the guy in front of me and say, "Uh, excuse …"

"'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together."