Gabriel Iglesias

"I celebrated my 21st birthday here, and that was the last time I drank in El Paso. You folks don't mess around, you know? Everyone was going, "It's your birthday," I was like, "It's my birthday!" "Do …"

"You know when you're drunk, you're like , behind you, you hear "Shut up, stupid!" You know, if you hear the magical sound , one of two things will pop in your head. Either one, "I'm okay, I'm fine...I…"

"I accidentally wound up at this "dance...place", gentleman clubby place. I wasn't driving, it was an accident; we pulled up to the place, ya know , ah! I knew where I was, you can be drunk and know wh…"

"People ask me, "Why do you drink diet soda?" So I can eat regular cake!"

"My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know. They gotta be, you know. Check this out. I get pulled over one night coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thr…"

"And then I realized I was being checked out by GUYS! And I know they were checking me out, because they were looking at me like I look at tacos. And I thought to myself, "Oh my god, I can turn on a ma…"

"My favorite thing are the commercials. Because they're always about sex. You don't know what the product is until, like, the last two seconds. It's always some model comes walking out, all sexy, like,…"

"Now, if you know for a fact that you are going to go to jail, okay? You're already like, "I'm gone," have a little fun. I don't mean taking off in a high-speed pursuit. No, no, no, don't do that, 'cau…"