Bill Bailey

"Talking of tough gigs, I saw a very tough gig in New York, it was Whitney Houston. She was doing this open-air gig in New York. It was in the winter, and it was like minus eight degrees, in Lincoln Pl…"

"Deep down, it really is just a meaningless lyric, isn't it? "I got soul, but I'm not a soldier". I mean, you may as well be saying "I got ham, but I'm not a hamster"

"BB: So, who here has a guinea pig?Various Audience Members cheerBB: What kind of guinea pig? Muffled suggestions from audience members BB: Nah, you're not serious about it! "I dunno, some brown thing.…"

"Was he a Swiss nationalist, or a nutso with a crossbow? I don't know."

"There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box."

"Countries are actually closer than you think...Pilots just fly aeroplanes around longer to make you THINK they're far away- There are tiny cameras in ham...They're called 'Hameras'"

"This is the news theme, but it sounds like pure Hollywood entertainment. It sounds like E.T. on a horse being chased by Darth Vader, which is something I'd love to see."

"Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement…"