"This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard?"

“Joan, you are one irritating Jew-broad! The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.”

“Mario! You are one, tiny loudmouth fairy. You're the only guy I know who takes a stepladder into a gloryhole.”

“Let's face it, our reading and writing skills in our country...every day there's a story in the paper about how shitty our schools are. They just keep getting worse, all the time. I read a book, it was filled with letters that soldiers in the Civil War had written to their girlfriends back home. These guys were kids. They were fourteen, fifteen-year old kids. Most of these guys had never even been to school, but every single letter in the book was incredible. Every single letter was like: "My dearest Hannah, this morn finds me wrecked by the fiery pangs of your absence. I'll bear your cherished memory with me, as I battle the forces of tyranny and oppression." Now, think about what the typical letter from your average modern-day soldier, to his girlfriend back home in like, New Jersey's got to read like: "Dear Marie, it is hot as fuck out here. It is hard to fight these sand monkeys, wit your balls stuck to your legs. It is very, very hot out here because I am in the dessert. What else did I wanna aks you? Oh yeah: DON'T FUCK NOBODY TIL I GET BACK.”

“There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.”

“Flav, you look like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape.”

“Hamilton, you're like tang. You're dry, orange, and no one has given a fuck about you since 1968.”