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"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today ...... It's already tomorrow in Australia."

"This week, the California Raisins announced plans for a new world tour."

"A woman's nether regions should always be shrouded in mystery."

"This week, Donald Trump introduced a new twelve-inch doll of himself that speaks seventeen different phrases, which is amazing, as that's five more than the real Donald Trump."

"If I were a better artist, I'd be a painter, and if I were a better writer, I'd write books — but I'm not, so I draw cartoons!"

"I just draw what I think is funny, and I hope other people think it is funny, too."

"I never give my work to somebody else and say, "What do you think about that?" I just don't trust anybody. If I think it's funny, or if I think it's silly, I send it in anyway because I'm just trying …"

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas."

"I have realized that mystery is what keeps people away, and I’ve grown tired of smoke and mirrors. I yearn for the clean, well-lighted place. So let’s peek behind the curtain and hail the others like …"

"Britney Spears is recording a rap song about the recent controversies in her life. "I can't wait to hear that!", said no one."

"According to a new survey, 67 percent of teenagers are content or extremely happy most of the time. They're called stoners!"

"Shermy: Ehi! Arriva il vecchio Charlie Brown! Il buon vecchio Charlie Brown... sissignore! Il buon vecchio Charlie Brown... Quanto lo odio!"

"Christian conservatives are claiming that the hit documentary March of the Penguins supports the theory of intelligent design. Meanwhile, backers of evolution claim that intelligent design is refuted …"

"It was announced this week that these will no longer be bouncing on that."

"The only thing I really ever wanted to be was a cartoonist. That's my life. Drawing."

"It seems beyond the comprehension of people that someone can be born to draw comic strips, but I think I was. My ambition from earliest memory was to produce a daily comic strip."

"A cartoonist is someone who has to draw the same thing day after day without repeating himself."

"A 14-year-old Indiana girl was arrested after she came to a middle school with a handgun, ammunition, and six small bags of marijuana. Man, Dakota Fanning's growing up so fast!"

"In a recent Valentine's Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that...oh, who cares?"

"Brief tribute at h2g2"

"A chimpanzee in China has quit smoking after 16 years, with the help of her keepers. The chimp was able to quit when the keepers STOPPED BUYING HER CIGARETTES!"

"Donald Trump and producer Mark Burnett are reportedly considering creating a Broadway musical based on The Apprentice. The pair came up with the idea when neither one of them could find a match to set…"

"This week, in an ironic turn of events, Iraq brought regime change to the United States."

"Sometimes I feel that life has passed me by... Do you ever feel that way, Charlie Brown?""I feel that it has knocked me down and walked all over me!"

"Well, I can understand how you feel. You worked hard, studying for the spelling bee, and I suppose you feel you let everyone down, and you made a fool of yourself and everything. But did you notice so…"

"In the Book of Life, The answers aren't in the back."

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong'.Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it sure makes the rest of you lonely."

"Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here…"