"This week, Donald Trump introduced a new twelve-inch doll of himself that speaks seventeen different phrases, which is amazing, as that's five more than the real Donald Trump."

“This week, the California Raisins announced plans for a new world tour.”

“A woman's nether regions should always be shrouded in mystery.”

“Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas.”

“I have realized that mystery is what keeps people away, and I’ve grown tired of smoke and mirrors. I yearn for the clean, well-lighted place. So let’s peek behind the curtain and hail the others like us. The open-faced sandwiches who take risks and live big and smile with all of their teeth. These are the people I want to be around. This is the honest way I want to live and love and write.”

“Britney Spears is recording a rap song about the recent controversies in her life. "I can't wait to hear that!", said no one.”

“According to a new survey, 67 percent of teenagers are content or extremely happy most of the time. They're called stoners!”