Ben Dirs

"Murali is really struggling out there, he looked like Heather Mills McCartney making her way to bed from her en suite bathroom fielding down at fine-leg."

"Hayden marches down the pitch towards Collymore, bat raised, as if he's just returned from the theatre to find him rifling through his wife."

"Umpire Billy Bowden is decked by a Jones sweep! How marvellous...I mean what a choker...A sweetly-timed shot by the England batsman, which strikes Bowden on the hip, sending sunnies and walkie-talkie …"

"Brief mention of Dirs in a Daily mail cricket article"

"I'd imagine Janowicz is a fine lover - a big, bear of a man but with the hands of a miniature portrait painter."

"Monty went beserk, like a toddler who's just been told he can't have a Happy Meal."

"I've got a horrible feeling that if United do do the business tonight, Scholes won't be on the pitch in Athens. He may well be the best player England have produced for the last 15 years, but he has a…"

"Colly doing a good, no-frills, manful job for England here, just one from the over. He is to cricket what Jim Taggart is to detective work."