Jerry Seinfeld on Friendship

"The secret to television is: the person who gets the opportunity wants to "re-form" this type of content to them, personally."

"I find things that you've thought of, but don't-- that you're aware of, but haven't really analyzed. And that's the whole act!"

"Cars are really the most sophisticated adult toys that you can use without having to really talk to anybody."

"Jail is such a-- really a way that a grown-up would punish a child. "You go in there and you stay in there!"

"Really good bits go deep into your head and keep comin' back."

"If we really stuck with the classic Greek priorities, a sound mind in a sound body, the only two places we'd ever go is to a library or a gym."

"I really feel that that's one of the big powers of adulthood, is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing. I think that's why they can set up the DMV that way."

"This was really one of Larry's most brilliant ideas for the show, was these arcs; and this was one of the best ones, was George and Jerry tryin' to get this pilot on NBC."

"It really speaks to how bad food is, that it's work."

"I'll tell you, you get into a hot tub with three or four really old men, this is not the cover of the Club Med brochure. They get out of the tub, it looks like an ad for gravity."

"had a lot of fun writing then. We always had fun writing; it was never a struggle. I don't remember us ever really racking our brains too much in writing. We had a great chemistry."

"A comedian is a-- to me, a-- a full-fledged-- not only a monologist, but somebody who can really work a room, work a crowd, and has a real act. A comic? That's a-- like-- I think a notch down."

"Fear is funny. Especially when it's not fake!"

"Some people actually cheat on the people that they're cheating with, which is like holding up a bank and then turning to the robber next to you and going, "All right, give me everything you got, too."

"I think the duck really is the perfect model of how to live: paddle as hard as you can beneath the surface, let everything else roll off your back, and have a little sense of humor about your appearance."

"The equivalent for a normal person would be to go in to work in your underwear... and try and do your job that you normally do. All of a sudden, you can't do anything. That's how a comedian feels when he's doing a new bit."

"Here's the dumbest thing car people will think: you'll look at some car that you have and you go "Do I really need that?" That's the dumbest question! You didn't need any of it! "Need" is not an applicable verb in this world."

"Whenever an idea would come out that was too crazy for me, it would always fit George perfectly. George was really a catch-all for a lot of ideas. He was a guy who you could "buy" doing any number of extreme problem-solving techniques."

"I chose comedy because I thought it seemed much easier than work. And more fun than work. It turned out to be much harder than work, and not easy at all. But you still don't have to ever really grow up. And that's the best thing of all."

"I like all jokes. Okay? That's what I do; that's what I live for. There's really nothing else I care about, than jokes. And I don't really care who the victim is or who has-- whose feelings have to be hurt. If it's a good joke, I'm into it."

"On , we were extremely meticulous in our scripting of every scene, every joke, every line. When people came on that show, they were told by script supervisors "You don't change one comma", because that's-- the precision of joke-making generally requires that."

"the last big move of your life. The hearse is like the van, the pallbearers are your close friends, the only ones you could really ask to help you with a big move like that. And the casket is that great, perfect box you've been looking for your whole life. The only problem is once you find it, you're in it."

"Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur."

"I actually have quite a bit of , and we're looking for a museum that wants to display it. I have the couch, I have the two blue stools, I have the table and chairs; the coolest thing I have is the door, which we never repainted in nine seasons. It has every scuff mark that Kramer put on it with all those crazy entrances."

"I believe in detailed notes and jokes, and also winging it onstage. But, not for your first open mic. For your first open mic, my advice to you would be to make sure you have what you're gonna do memorized, to the point that one of your friends can gently slap you across the face, and you'll still be able to get it out of your mouth."

"Dating is not easy. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position! Why don't you strip down, meet some of the people you'll be workin' with?"

"like the kind of guy that you hang around with in New York who's not in the business, but he's been your friend for a long time and you're just kind of-- In the important ways, you're too similar to ever not be friends. Even though your lives are in completely different places, the friendship survives, 'cause in the important ways of shallowness and neurotic exploration of meaningless detail: that's where you bonded."

"My friend Larry Miller used to come by the set all the time. And I said to him "Y'know, for the life of me, I can't figure out why this show isn't really popular." He "Oh, don't worry! It will be." Y'know? And I said "Come on! We've been here four years!" And he kept sayin' to me "It's gonna catch on!" thinking "'Catch on'?" Y'know? You don't suddenly catch on, y'know, after you've been on TV for four years! And-- but sure enough, he was right!"

"The journey of someone coming in the room with an idea for something, and then saying "Yeah, that sounds good; let's do that", and then, the-- it going into an outline form, and then a script form, and then a read-through, and then a rewrite, and then a rehearsal, and then more rewrite, more rehearsal, then a shoot night, and then an editing process, and then finally going on the air, is essentially an off-road egg race where you carry the egg in a spoon."