Ed Byrne

"Do you know who I like? No, you don't. So I'm gonna tell you. Because if you all just did know who I like, then that would have been really weird, because it means you're in my head."

"Sometimes in your everyday life, you should say the right thing. But the wrong thing is funnier."

"Trying to separate cigarettes and alcohol, that's against God's will!"

"The Irish are trying to be American, that's all it is. Everything American does Ireland has to do as well. Next thing you know, the Irish are going to start saying 'aluminum', and that'll be the last …"

"I did think about giving up smoking, but I decided not to, because I'm not a quitter. And I know that every cigarette I smoke takes five minutes off my life, but I also know it takes ten minutes to sm…"

"My only problem with the Grand Canyon is Americans are a little bit too proud of it for my liking. Because they're very proud of it, they are, they love it. I spent two and a half weeks in that Grand …"

"Is it "What is the proportion of my penis that is medically safe for a woman to accommodate?"?"

"I'm all for Workers' Rights and stuff like that, that's fair enough. But imagine if you were working in a pub in some real rough-arse of inner-city North Dublin, ...and you're built like, say, me. And…"