Ed Byrne

"Do you know who I like? No, you don't. So I'm gonna tell you. Because if you all just did know who I like, then that would have been really weird, because it means you're in my head."

"Sometimes in your everyday life, you should say the right thing. But the wrong thing is funnier."

"The Irish are trying to be American, that's all it is. Everything American does Ireland has to do as well. Next thing you know, the Irish are going to start saying 'aluminum', and that'll be the last …"

"I did think about giving up smoking, but I decided not to, because I'm not a quitter. And I know that every cigarette I smoke takes five minutes off my life, but I also know it takes ten minutes to sm…"

"I'm all for Workers' Rights and stuff like that, that's fair enough. But imagine if you were working in a pub in some real rough-arse of inner-city North Dublin, ...and you're built like, say, me. And…"

"...and I've had to call somebody who purports to be some sort of boiler man...am I just unlucky or are plumbers evil lying bags of shit?"

"For me snowboarding is basically like being beaten up by a mountain."

"Do you know what's odd and weird and strange - a democracy with a fucking Queen...Piers Morgan, who's a cock anyway...sweaty faced bollix."