David Cross

"I think its funny how, that if I want to die with peace and dignity that there's someone far away that can prevent it. Someone's like 'Hi, I just wanted to call. This is Jeanette Dunwoody from Valdost…"

"Radio DJ's are the same two motherfucking asshole clowns all over the country. I hate radio interviews. 'You didn't know it David, but you're just in time for the Friday Morning Fart Song!' No, sorry,…"

"HENDERSON VALLEY EGGS! You're gonna love our eggs!!!... I like eggs the old fashioned way. "Fuck you granny!"

"I've never seen anybody purchase them, but apparently people are. They wouldn't carry them just for aesthetic purposes. They're not trying to impress people with their porn collection, you know. So, i…"

"I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men…I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don’t believe it? You believe that I didn’t do a series of tests?…"

"'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together."

"All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortio…"

"Rickey Henderson, pick up the phone, man, it's me... you."