"See, you learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: "Are you my mother? Lovely to put a face to a name."

“Please let the passengers off the train first." British people have an amazing ability to let people off a train whilst at all times, moving forwards.”

“And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!”

“We must penetrate the west at their most vulnerable spot: Glasgow Airport!" I think the lesson was learned: don't... fuck... with Scottish people... who have a holiday booked, okay? "I'll get the trolley. You get the bags and stuff. We'll get the rest of the stuff at duty-free. You got our tickets and the passports? What gate are we? Twenty... two. Hold on while I punch this burning man in the face. Fuck off! Bastard! Majorca, here we come! Ten days, I couldn't afford two weeks! Hang on while I just get a light off his face! Hold still, you Al-Qaeda bastard! Where you from?" "Afghan.." "Whereabouts?”

“People still, old people, insist on picking up the phone and saying their home number, why are you doing that? What a complete waste of time. "020767944!" "I know that, I've just dialled it! It's the last thing I did on earth was dial those numbers. Do you open the front door and say your address? It's the same principle.”

“I went "0-7..." and he actually went "Slow down!" So I went "0..." and he went "0-7-0..." "No! 0-7..." "0-7-0-0-7..." "No! 0...7..." "0-7-0-0-7-0-7" "Start again!" "How's Susan?" "Not the conversation, the number! That's not my number!" "Giving me a fake number?! Don't you want me to call?!" "No, no...!" Anyway, he hasn't called.”

“Could you not interrupt Mr. Penguin?!”