Michael McIntyre

"It's worth £5.40 to have that moment where you stop, then you come through and there are no lanes! It takes a very strange sort of man who doesn't go: 'The race is on! Come on, woohoo! First one to th…"

"Please let the passengers off the train first." British people have an amazing ability to let people off a train whilst at all times, moving forwards."

"Scottish Guy heckled... "You're a bastard, Michael." … Oh I might not be, but I know that's the first word of a newborn Scottish baby!"

"I take the shopping in, ladies and gentlemen... in one fucking go. "Get the door! Get the door!" She's like, "Shoes off!"… "FUCK OFF!"

"See, you learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking…"

"I went "0-7..." and he actually went "Slow down!" So I went "0..." and he went "0-7-0..." "No! 0-7..." "0-7-0-0-7..." "No! 0...7..." "0-7-0-0-7-0-7" "Start again!" "How's Susan?" "Not the conversation…"

"Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details."

"It's never enough to say you’re from London, people want to know exactly where you’re from. They see it as more of a test of their own geographical knowledge. You say "I’m from London" people go "Wher…"