"I like champagne—because it always tastes like my foot's asleep."

“People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.”

“Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.”

“If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.”

“The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.”

“Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." President Reagan says, "I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.”

“You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.”