Darby Conley

"Thank you, o can opener, for this can which you are about to open. You are truly a beautiful can opener, and though I am not worthy of you, I love you."

"Is that drooling problem you have due to genetic inbreeding, or are you just really attracted to me?"

"He's an FBI Bomb Dog!!! Do you know how cool that is?! That's the people equivalent of like if Paul Newman was a fire-fighting, baby-kissing rock square!"

"You can wordify anything if you just verb it."

"Ahhhh... Satchel, my boy, there's nothin' like a tuna smoothie on a hot summer day..."

"Now you listen to me, you little party favor, I'm sick of your rotten attitude! I let you call me names and push me around because I consider you my friend, but I'm sure that if I wanted to, I could t…"

"There are two kinds of cartoonists in the world today—those who started out by ripping off The Far Side, and those who won't admit that they've ever ripped off The Far Side, probably because they're s…"

"OK, monkey, it's just you and me... I'll give you time to pray to your big, filthy monkey god before I food you."