Doug Stanhope

"Whether the reasoning for these laws is insurance costs, more opportunities for random taxation through traffic stops, curbing lost production or any other justification that could be offered, the bot…"

"Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you thi…"

"Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance,…"

"Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from thei…"

"I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job."

"You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it."

"I love homosexuality, I promote it, you fuck and you don't leave fuckin' garbage on the earth because of it."

"I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evi…"