Jeff Foxworthy

"My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."

"On life's list of fun things to do, comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors."

"Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people,…"

"You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says "Back in five minutes."

"Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? Because the DNA's all the same and there's no dental records."

"My mother won't drive 50 miles an hour. You put her in a rental car, she's doing doughnuts in the grocery store parking lot!"

"You don't have the stupidest family in the world, you don't have the goofiest family in the world. And if you ever need to verify that, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at a fair…"

"You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers . . . I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield …"