Lewis Black

"The Pledge of Allegiance, ultimately, is coffee for elementary school students. "...And to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. FUCK,…"

"Christians... get Christmas under control. Seriously. It won't stop! It doesn't stop, does it? It's always Christmas now! Make it the whole year! It's the only time you pricks are happy!"

"I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday. You're wearing a costume and people are giving you pen…"

"The rabbi intones that today is the day that God will put your name in the Book of Life... or the Book of DEATH. I'm five, and I'm going, "Uhhh, what the fuck is that? The book of WHAT?!?" Death? Deat…"

"If you ask your congressman why, he'll say "Because it's hard. It's really hard. Makes me want to go poopie." You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it d…"

"I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself."

"And I will tell you, because I was six feet from the TV set, that no one—no one—saw a tit. There was no titty to be seen. I know that's a fact, because I'm a guy that, if there's a titty, I'm the firs…"

"Music is like a drug; when you hear it, you have a vision. And that vision can change over time or remain the same. You know, that first time you’re in love and you hear a love song and every time you…"