Mitch Hedberg

"Look at all the limes in this goddamn thing! This fuckin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like…"

"I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but there are 2 trees involved. They said "Let's call this hotel 'Something Tree'". So they had a meeting, it was... It was quite short. "How 'bout 'Tree'?"…"

"A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time."

"My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th Floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401". "No, you're not. Jump out o…"

"If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way."

"I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time."

"I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there."

"I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave…"