Richard Jeni

"If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career."

"I don't get that -- people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're going to war over religion, now you're just killi…"

"Porno is just like any other drug; after a while you start building up a tolerance to it."

"A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping…"

"This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to My head."

"Making this crowd happy is the second easiest job you could ever have. First easiest...whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt." How hard can that be? I don…"

"An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone."

"They should just call it The Bad News. The bloodiest, most disgusting things that happened today packed into a half an hour, right before you go to bed. You thought you were scared before..."