Brad Garrett

"I was such a large sperm, my mother went into labor during conception."

"As stated earlier, I am a pessimistic optimist, or what I like to call a "pissed-omist."  This is a person who has lived long enough to know not to expect much from most people or life in general, but…"

"As a side note, I'd like to propose that aim is more mathematical than we tend to acknowledge. For me, it's: smallish dick ÷ long torso = distance to bowl."

"The goons needed some comic relief, and I needed an audience.  I had found my niche."

"I don't think we're politically correct when we're private. I don't know what politically correct means. I'm just watching this thing going down in Baltimore, all the officers charged in the Freddie G…"

"There are those of you who may choose to live in a dream world where the glass is half full, but if you do, you're an imbecile.  The glass will never be half full.  Nor full ever again.  It's simply o…"

"iddle age is the window to your eventual end…"

"Pride can make you look like a dick if you're not careful."