"My first car was painted red down one side and blue down the other to confuse witnesses in case of an accident."

“Cricket is a game which the English, not being a spiritual people, have invented in order to give themselves some conception of Eternity.”

“The only exercise I ever take is walking up hospital stairs to visit friends who've damaged themselves by taking exercise.”

“Nobody ever seemed quite clear whether the expression "drunk as a lord" should be taken as a compliment or an insult.”

“Before the War you took your secretary to Paris and called her your wife. Now, in order to wriggle through the tax-gatherer's net, you take your wife to Paris and call her your secretary.”